White people often like to stare at their naked bodies in the mirror as a tear slowly crawls down their cheek as they gaze upon what they've done to themselves. Through heavy consumption of toxic food or the fact that they just grinded God's gears in another lifetime, white people reserve a place untouched within the community as being truly miserable fat people. Latinos and blacks are never fat, they are NEVER fat and if you say they're fat they'll cut you, but that's not why they're not fat, it's because they're not. They're either big, pretty big, fit, dangerously agile, or small. There's no such thing as a fat black guy. Is Barry White fat? No, he's awesome. Is Luis Guzman overweight? Not in the slightest, he's my Mexican Idol. Drew Carey is a cow. Ted Kennedy is the Kool-Aid Man. And Ralphie May is just...terrible.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Problem #2: Facebook
Facebook problems split into the following categories:
A) Having to go through pictures and untag the ones you don't think you look pretty in or are embarrassed for existing.
B) Wasting time on Facebook. White people often complain about how many hours they pass writing on people's walls and commenting on pictures with classics like "OMG, you're so pretty!" or "Haha, best night evah!"
C) Not being able to sever ties to Facebook and being in an unheathily codepedent relationship with it and complaining about it in a holier-than-thou fashion. These white people are troubled with how the rungs of the social ladder have shifted un-necessarily up at least one or two rungs, perhaps in a neverending spiral, to...
1. Facebook wall-writing
2. Facebook chat
3. Facebook messaging
4. Exchange of phone numbers
5. Texting
6. Invitation to "get coffee"
7. Getting coffee
8. Repeat
A) Having to go through pictures and untag the ones you don't think you look pretty in or are embarrassed for existing.
B) Wasting time on Facebook. White people often complain about how many hours they pass writing on people's walls and commenting on pictures with classics like "OMG, you're so pretty!" or "Haha, best night evah!"
C) Not being able to sever ties to Facebook and being in an unheathily codepedent relationship with it and complaining about it in a holier-than-thou fashion. These white people are troubled with how the rungs of the social ladder have shifted un-necessarily up at least one or two rungs, perhaps in a neverending spiral, to...
1. Facebook wall-writing
2. Facebook chat
3. Facebook messaging
4. Exchange of phone numbers
5. Texting
6. Invitation to "get coffee"
7. Getting coffee
8. Repeat
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Problem #1: Not enough time to blog
Sometimes when faced with the cavalcade of things to do in the free time that white life allows, white people come to the conclusion that blogging is the their last chance for wholeness. Either by talking about their own lives, which are made fascinating by virtue of the fact that they're on the internet for everyone to read, or giving their opinion on Fleet Foxes or another band they hope against hope no one's ever heard of, white people decide that their thoughts matter...because they do, ya'll. We've got something to say!
And in between reading about things you're not gonna buy, listening to people you'll never sound like, and quoting Chappelle's Show to your white friends, you gotta express your unexpressed thoughts that aren't worth being published in a semi-pro medium like a newspaper or the college cable access station or face the consequence of cerebral explosion. You must tell your friends about how much your heart is in Africa or why Ray Lamontagne, an artist (fingers crossed) no one's heard but you, makes your soul cry. But first you have to not write a paper for a class you don't care about and watch Spaghetti Cat again on YouTube.
But however do you get your message out? Facebook statuses can do, word-of-mouth to the point that maybe you're in more than 2 people's RSS feed readers. But be careful that your parents don't find it, then you have to curb your blog's content. To spice up the bloggery, out of focus pictures of mundane desk objects and lists usually do the trick.
And in between reading about things you're not gonna buy, listening to people you'll never sound like, and quoting Chappelle's Show to your white friends, you gotta express your unexpressed thoughts that aren't worth being published in a semi-pro medium like a newspaper or the college cable access station or face the consequence of cerebral explosion. You must tell your friends about how much your heart is in Africa or why Ray Lamontagne, an artist (fingers crossed) no one's heard but you, makes your soul cry. But first you have to not write a paper for a class you don't care about and watch Spaghetti Cat again on YouTube.
But however do you get your message out? Facebook statuses can do, word-of-mouth to the point that maybe you're in more than 2 people's RSS feed readers. But be careful that your parents don't find it, then you have to curb your blog's content. To spice up the bloggery, out of focus pictures of mundane desk objects and lists usually do the trick.
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